Special Clothing: (M) 1-5: FLANNEL BUTTON DOWN SHIRTS, BLUE JEANS, TENNIS SHOES. (M) ANNOUNCER: PLAID SUIT.
Description: Five men stand in a line with their backs to the camera. Each faces a urinal in a bathroom. This is a race very similar to those in the carnival where patrons squirt water at a hole and a balloon fills up. The first one to fill the balloon wins. A play-by-play personality calls the action, like a horse race, as he/she sees it.
Hear the sound of 5 collective zipper flies dropping.
INT: BATHROOM - URINALS
Three men have the open ends of balloons in their mouths, hidden from camera view. The two innermost men glance down at one anotherís packages.
(One man smirks aloud, the other growls)
(showing contempt for his rivalís package)
Itís going to take more than the motion of the ocean this time pal!
(These two men retrieve balloons from shirt pockets and put open end in their respective mouths. Camera is still not privy to balloons)
(LEAPING into view, ANNOUNCER bursts in to stand camera left and down stage of men. Simultaneously, all men throw their heads back, mouths facing skyward, balloons in full view)
(with a jerk of his hips SALTY STICK has begun blowing into his balloon)
And weíre off. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, fine day for a race and it looks like Salty Stick is off to an early lead. But here comes Flaccid Lizard with a torrential downpour that takes the whole herd by storm. Itís a stampede with Flaccid Lizard out in front by a curly hair.
(FLACCID LIZARD lets his balloon slip from his mouth and shoot around the room. He immediately hangs his head)
Great limp sunbeam! Flaccid Lizardís out of this one folks, and the fieldís narrowed to Salty Stick, followed closely by Tricky Tool and Dick. The long shot Daring Libido rounds out the four remaining competitors.
(DICK jerks his hips and another balloon is released. DICK drops his head)
Holy noodle parfait, it looks as if Dick has come up short. I tell ya folks, this has been a fierce battle so far, with Salty Stick and Tricky Tool in a literal head to head, dead heat. Tricky Tool, the promising youngster out of Joe Boxer, Iowa is taking the lead and has begun to stretch it. But wait, our man in the back, Daring Libido has just shriveled the gap between himself and Salty Stick.
(SALTY STICK jerks his hips and releases a balloon)
Oh my, thatís the zipper for Salty Stick, and ladies and gentlemen, weíre down to two great competitors, our long shot Daring Libido and the undaunted dangling daddy, Tricky Tool. I can only liken what Iím seeing to the Ancient Roman Coliseums where two such foes square off helmet to helmet with everything hanging out on the line. This could last all night.
(Suddenly with great emotion and a burst of breath TRICKY TOOL loses his balloon)
Ladies and Gentlemen, Daring Libido has thrust himself across the finish line and into the winnerís circle.
(DARING LIBIDO reaches his arms toward the skies in triumph and releases his balloon)
Americaís long shot has pulled off a Willy of a comeback. Join us next week for the Belmont Stakes, presented commercial free by Trojan, the worldís undisputed sheet for your meat.