N.R.A. TECH LINE
Characters: 2F, 4M
Special Clothing: (M) HESTON: SPORTY COAT, WHITE BUTTON DOWN, SLACKS, POLISHED SHOES. (F) OPERATOR: BUTTON DOWN SHIRT, SWEATER for draping, SLACKS. (M) CALLERS: N/A (V.O.) (F) CALLER: N/A (V.O.)
Description: Room with nothing save a desk with a sophisticated piece of machinery on its surface. Operator will field calls between Heston monologues.
FADE IN:
INT: N.R.A. OPERATOR OFFICE
Simple camera shot full frontal on HESTON who sits comfortably, elegantly on the edge of operator’s desk. Blocked by HESTON, the OPERATOR is inanimate.
HESTON
Hello there. I’m Charlton Heston, VI. We at the National Rifle Association believe that the utmost care be taken, to keep guns out of the wrong hands, thereby keeping our children safe. That’s why we’ve instituted the NRA technical support hotline. It’s another in a long line of crazy ideas at the NRA to basically skirt the issue of gun control altogether. 1 operator will field your calls 24 hours a day, two days a week, 17 days a year.
At the operator’s fingertips is a new state of the art Bose Re-direct system that actually allows our operator to answer calls and then transfer callers to the appropriate authority. Let’s listen in to the calls that we received in our trial run of the system during our last 4th of July weekend.
(HESTON moves aside, out of camera view. OPERATOR animates and prepares to take a call)
OPERATOR
National Rifle Association Technical Hotline, how can I be of assistance?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
This is the NRA?
OPERATOR
That’s correct sir.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Yeah, good. I BLEW MY FOOT OFF!
OPERATOR
All right sir, let me transfer you to a 911 operator. Please hold.
MALE VOICE #1 (V.O.)
Uh, OK.
(OPERATOR presses a button)
OPERATOR
(pressing a button)
NRA Tech Line, how can I help you?
MALE VOICE #2 (V.O.)
Lady, you gotta help me. I, I think I shot my dog. He’s makin’ a real weird whimperin’ noise and, and draggin’ one of his legs behind him.
OPERATOR
(pleasant)
Please remain calm sir; I’ll transfer you to a veterinarian.
MALE VOICE #2 (V.O.)
Ah, thanks a million.
(OPERATOR presses a button)
OPERATOR
(presses a button)
NRA Tech Line, how can I be of assistance?
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
Oh God, oh God help me.
OPERATOR
Ooh, one moment ma’am while I transfer you to an Evangelist.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
Wh..what? Um, OK.
(OPERATOR presses a button)
OPERATOR
(presses a button)
NRA Tech Line, how-
MALE VOICE #3 (V.O.)
(finger in corner of mouth)
Yeah, I’ve got the barrel of a Desert Eagle in the corner of my mouth, and my problem is, I can’t figure out how to get the safety off.
OPERATOR
No problem sir. The safety on a Desert Eagle is located…
(OPERATOR begins lip syncing and slowly goes slack and inanimate)
(HESTON returns to his former spot on the edge of the desk)
HESTON
Well you get the idea. You see the National Rifle Association is committed to promoting a safe environment where we all get to keep our guns.
(long pause)
You’re worried about that last caller aren’t you? Well don’t. Listen as our operator diffuses a potentially troublesome situation.
(HESTON moves aside and out of view. OPERATOR reanimates as if never interrupted)
MALE VOICE #3 (V.O.)
(barrel in corner of mouth)
So, the safety is on the side of the gun?
OPERATOR
Yes sir, if you look at the side of the gun, you’ll notice a small lever that should be in the up position. Simply switch the lever down and viola.
MALE VOICE #3 (V.O.)
(Sound of a clear mouth, and a click)
Oh, perfect.
(barrel back in mouth)
That’s much better.
(Crunching sound, then clear voice)
Mmm, I sure do love my Replica Desert Eagle Pez dispensor!
OPERATOR
Yours free with a paid subscription to NRA weekly.
(HESTON returns and stands beside a smiling OPERATOR)
HESTON
If that doesn’t promote gun safety I don’t know what does. I’m Charlton Heston VI, saying ‘Stay Strapped’.
(as camera fades a gun falls out of HESTON’S jacket pocket, and onto the floor. HESTON and OPERATOR ignore it and continue smiling)
-END-