Mike's Sketches

Not So Anonymous

Setting:† Scene opens with a camera shot coming towards a circle of people, mostly men except for one woman, sitting on brown fold up chairs.†† The men are dressed mostly in jeans and flannels and like dead beats.†† As the camera comes in, the woman begins to talk and the shot goes to her.


Leader:† Okay so how was everyoneís week?


Group: (grumbled)† FINE


Leader:† Great! (overly enthusiastic)† Iíd like to thank you all for coming to another meeting of the Alcoholicís Anonymous, where we donít drink problems, we solve them.† Now as always, lets talk about how our sober weeks went.† Who wants to start?


Camera pans faces but no one talks, everyone looks irritated.


Leader:† How about you Jimmy?† You weeks are always so uplifting.


Jimmy:† (sighs)† Well, I guess it went alright.


Leader: Good


Jimmy:† I didnít drink at all and its been two months for me.† But it seems to be getting harder rather than easier, it seems like someone somewhere is always asking me to drink.† Its a lot to handle, ya know?


Leader:† I do know and I think your doing great.


Jack: Thatís nothing,† Iíve been sober for a whole freakin year and still everyone associates me with alcohol.†


Leader: Thatís an important subject Jack, one that we all need to think about.


Jose:† When are we going to party?!?!? (thick Mexican accent)


Leader:† Snacks come after we talk Mr. Cuervo, and you have to wait your turn before you talk.† Now Mr. Daniels,† can you elaborate on your feelings for us?


Jack:† Well, no one knows me as the guy who has fun without being plastered.† When people think of Jack Daniels (points to himself) they think of alcohol.† Its like what do I have to do to make a new name for myself.


The Captain: Arrrr, when do I get say my two pence?


Leader:† Mr. Morgan, please wait until Jack finishes unless you have something to contribute to his issue.


The Captain:† Iíd just make all those scurvy wrecks walk the plank, and then Iíd steal their loot.


Jack: What the hell are you talking about?


Leader:† Lets move on to someone else.† Mr.† Gin what have you been going through?


Seagrams:† Please, call me Seagrams.† Well I can relate to how these guys feel, because a bunch of my old friends keep calling me to drink.† I mean, I donít know how many phone calls Iíve gotten from Snoop Dogg alone asking me to hang out with him and O.J... You know the Juice.† And thereís only one place a night like that will end up.†


Leader:† Exactly, the only way to stop drinking is by avoiding situations that tempt us.† Now, we have a new member here this week and even though his English is not very well, I think we should still let him talk, Mr. Popov.† WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING (in tourist talk)


Popov:† (thick Russian accent) In my home country I am considered light drinker, here they say I am... how you say... raging alcoholic.† I no understand.


Leader:† (down-talking) Now Popov,† alcoholism transcends all boarders and traditions.† If our culture says your an alcoholic, you have to face the facts.† Denial isnít just a river in Egypt, am I right?


Popov:† You would be dead after one winter in my country.


Leader:† Fantastic. Well weíve heard some problems, but what are the solutions?† (everyone raises their hands)† And it canít be drinking (all hands go down except two), or starting drug habits† (remaining hands go down). Doesnít anyone have any ideas for a solution? (one man raises hand)† Yes Mr. Crown Seven


Crown Seven:† (excited)† I just had an epiphany,† I finally figured out why we canít escape the pressures of alcohol....pause.... A combination of El Nino, the paparazzi, and the greedy cigarette execs.†† Why if we fight them, surely our problems will be solved.


Leader: I donít know if--


Jimmy:† Thatís a great idea!

Jack: Yeah, finally we have someone to blame!

Seagrums: Hey, lets celebrate our new solution down at the pub.


Everyone:† YEAH!† (get up and leave)


Leader:† If only they see themselves from anotherís perspective.... (pulls out a bong and tolks up)